Tested Sentences that Smell
Ever since writer and blogger extraordinaire Jeanne Dininni recommended Tested Sentences that Sell as a must read for writers and marketers, I’ve been wanting to do a post entitled, Tested Sentences that Smell.
Why? Because even though I can’t afford the book and learn to recognize sentences that sell, I can recognize sentences that don’t sell. Here are some examples.
Redundant Phrasing
In a recent TV ad the voice over observed, “People find it difficult to predict the future.” No surprises here, since predicting the future is much more challenging than predicting the past. Predictions always apply to a future event. Get rid of the redundancy by saying people find it difficult to make accurate predictions.
Unnecessary, Redundant Modifiers
A radio ad promoting stars as the perfect Christmas gift suggest, “a star is the most eternal gift you can buy for a loved one.” Makes you wonder what the least eternal gift would be. Nope - eternal is eternal. A thing cannot be more eternal than another thing. (That’s why there are equally as many odd numbers or even numbers as total numbers. Think about it.)
This smelly sort of phrasing is often deployed in advertising to herald a product as the most unique.
Between You and I
Between you and me, between you and I emits a most foul odor. And yet, the phrase crops up in sentence after sentence in ads, press release quotations, and just about every other place the word is written or spoken. Ironically, people gravitate to this phrase because it carries a whiff of sophistication. But to cook up copy with a truly tempting aroma, study the Punctuality Rules recipe for using objective and nominative case ingredients.
Mixed Metaphors
Take my last sentence, which, besides being a trifle overwritten, employs the metaphor of a pleasant kitchen aroma. Had I written, “But to cook up copy with a truly tempting aroma, study the Punctuality Rules blueprint for constructing sentences with a solid objective and nominative case foundation,” I would be mixing metaphors.
When one mixes up metaphors, one mixes up readers. Sentences come to resemble a wandering kaleidescope of corned beef hash upon which no reader can gain solid footing. (See what I mean?)
Overstatement
Overstatement is the most dangerous copywriting technique in the universe. Revolutionary, one of a kind, never before seen, never fails, most economical, lowest price, and greatest value, are phrases one must use judiciously. Unfortunately, since few follow this advice, such phrasing goes in one nostril and out the other, giving the reader or listener no appetite to buy the product.
Puns
In business writing, avoid these odiferous ornamentations. That’s my two scents anyway.
Thanks for the shout-out!
Oh, and I suppose you could make a case that if a star is the “most eternal” gift you can give, that something like, say, chocolate is “least eternal” because it’s not going to last more than a few minutes after opening. It’s still lousy writing, though–like that old saw about being “a little” pregnant. You are, or you’re not!
It’s times like these that make me grieve for the future of civilization–or, rather, makes me wonder if it has one!
Deb, we live in troubled times, but we can’t give up!
Brad,
I love this piece! You had me chuckling all the way through! Thanks for that bit of after-Christmas cheer!
[Thanks, too, for your very complimentary lead-in! I’m assuming that, after all you’ve written here, you weren’t simply engaging in the odiferous practice of overstatement! ;)]
I love the examples you’ve used to illustrate your points–highly entertaining! (That’s not redundant, is it?)
The only thing that threw me was the part about odd and even numbers. Didn’t you mean “There are equally as many odd AND even numbers as total numbers” (since odd numbers equal only half of all numbers and even numbers equal the other half)?
Great post!
Jeanne
That may be my favorite headline of the year !
Good content to go with made it even better.
Thanks Mike! The title does have a ring to it.
Hi Jeanne, “Highly entertaining” is not redundant, especially when used to describe my posts.
As for the numbers, I did indeed mean the number of odd numbers is equal to the number of all numbers, and the number of even numbers is equal to the number of all numbers. I can’t remember where I first read that, but it blew my mind. To learn more - http://members.aol.com/kiekeben/infinity.html
I enjoyed your useful and funny post, Brad.
Because we had the same excellent high school English teacher, I’m going to assert the right to supplement your list of smelly sentences. My addition is: any sentence containing a glaring grammatical error (so I’d better not make any mistakes here). Perhaps I’m a snob, but obvious grammatical errors make me question the writer’s professionalism, education and attention to detail.
For example, many writers (and copy editors, presumably) have never mastered the possessive form of “it,” which is “its,” rather than “it’s” or “its’.” Even people who would never write “his’ accounts” or “her’s commission” may make the mistake of writing “it’s annual revenues” or “its’ annual revenues.” The word “it’s” is an abbreviation of “it is” or “it has” (e.g., “it’s been such a long winter, and now it’s cold again today”). The word “its’” doesn’t exist.
Have a great and error-free 2008.
-Scott
Hi, Brad!
Sorry I haven’t been back till now to reply to YOUR reply to my comment! Just haven’t been feeling quite up to par lately. Still attempting to fight off the last lingering symptoms brought on by this powerful cold bug that’s had me down for the count for about the past two weeks.
Without having (yet) visited the website you’ve linked to in your comment, I would have to say that the only way I can think of that your statement could possibly be correct would be in the sense that “all even numbers” would be an infinite number, as would “ALL numbers,” since presumably all numbers, including even numbers would continue on into infinity. In the same sense, “all odd numbers” would also, like “ALL numbers,” be an infinite number. (Incidentally, I came to this conclusion before even seeing the URL of your link, which includes the word “infinity.”)
This is indeed a fascinating question–and one which lends itself to all sorts of intriguing philosophical speculation. For example, one might reasonably contend that there can BE no values called “all even numbers,” “all odd numbers,” or “ALL numbers,” since infinity isn’t quantifiable. Think about THAT!
Philosophically yours,
Jeanne
Scott, thanks for stopping by. The its/it’s problem comes up far too often in formal writing. I’m glad you drew attention to it. Jeanne, infinity does seem to be a philosophical rather than a mathematical concept, doesn’t it?
Yes, it does, Brad–even though the infinity symbol and concept are used in mathematics. I find the concepts of positive infinity and negative infinity to be quite fascinating–along with the idea that there are (theoretically) an infinite number of decimal/fractional values between any two consecutive whole numbers.
Used in the same sense in which your above comparison was made, one might state that “all decimal values between two consecutive whole numbers” equal “ALL numbers.” The more one thinks about it, the more intriguing the topic becomes. The possibilities are…infinite!
Jeanne
Get “Tested Sentences That Sell” here
http://www.tested.affordablewebdesigner.us
Thanks, Randall!
Brad,
So glad to see that Tested Sentences That Sell is now available (in e-book format, at least)!
Jeanne
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