Scene 3: Analytics and Search Engine Ossification

Where's the donuts?

(Six months have passed since the forklift company task force deployed its SEO progam, based on the keyword FORKS.)

KRAMER: How’s the mission statement coming along, Agnes?

DELINE: Done! I hope we have time to review it today since this is our last meeting.

STARKE: Could I have your attention? Grigsby has a project recap. Any questions before I turn it over to him?

KRAMER: Where’s the donuts?

STARKE: Fishbein – get donuts! Proceed, Grigsby.

GRIGSBY: Six months ago we optimized our website for the search term FORKS. (scowls) We used a combination of on-site and off-site techniqes including a link building campaign based on article submissions and -

DELINE: That link biting thing still doesn’t sound right to me.

GRIGSBY: It’s link building, not link biting. And it happened to be the most important part of the project.

KRAMER: What makes you such an expert?

GRIGSBY: Six years as SEO director for a Fortune 500 forklift manufacturer.

KRAMER. Oh.

STARKE: Let’s hear the results. I’m sure we’re all eager to know how we did.

GRIGSBY: Here are results for our website optimized for FORKS. Over the last six months we received the following. Fifty-seven inquiries for silverware. Forty-four inquires for disposable cutlery. Thirty-seven inquiries for tuning forks. Twenty-one inquiries for pitchforks, all from Nebraska strangely enough. Thirteen requests for directions to the Grand Forks, North Dakota, airport. Three inquiries on how to break a knight fork in chess, and one inquiry for forklifts.

(long silence)

DELINE: Not bad.

STARKE: It’s horrible!

KRAMER: I told you search monopolization couldn’t beat my sales team!

GRIGSBY: That’s only because we used the wrong search term!

(long silence)

STARKE: Well … did we sell anything?

GRIBSBY: Surprisingly, yes. Kramer sold a guy a case of plastic forks from the cafeteria.

STARKE: Profit?

GRIGSBY: (thumbs through paperwork) Seven dollars and … thirty-two cents. We have a ways to go to reach break even.

STARKE: O.K., thank you, Charlie and the rest of the team. I know we all worked hard on this, but my recommendation to corporate will be to scrap SEO and hire more sales reps.

KRAMER: Yes!

GRIGSBY: Idiots.

STARKE: I think that covers it. We’re adjourned.

FISHBEIN: Here’s the donuts!

DELINE: Stan, can I distibute the mission statement now?

THE END


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